마냥 즐겁고 꿈꾸는 듯 행복한 일의 성공에는 감사할 줄 아는 소녀. 마음이 흔들릴 땐 종교 서적과 철학책을 읽는 소녀.
아 씨발 낙태장면은 너무 고통스러워서 못 읽겠다.
바람피워도 젊으니까 그런 거지 우린 평생 함께할거야, 무시하고.
놀랐지만 언젠가 가족이 될거라 생각했지만 기뻤던 아기 임신 소식을 남친이 우린 너무 어려. 지우자. 해서 오케이 하고. 엄마한테도 알리지 않고 병원도 안가고 갖다 준 약먹고 죽다 살아나고. 그럼에도 여전히 그를 사랑했고. 이별의 낌새는 눈치도 못챘고. 혹은 외면했고.
씨발 얼마나 사랑했으면.
For as much as Justin hurt me, there was a huge foundation of love, and when he left me I was devastated.
12
The Dream Within a Dream Tour, right after my albumBritney came out in the fall of 2001, was my fourth tour and one of my favorites. Every night onstage, I battled a mirror version of myself, which felt like it was probably a metaphor for something. But that mirror act was just one song. There was also flying! And an Egyptian barge! And a jungle! Lasers! Snow!
It was what we all had hoped for. I had worked so hard to get to that point. I’d done mall tours beforeBaby was released, then theBaby tour was the first time I got to see a lot of people out there in the crowd. I remember feeling like,Oh, wow, I’m somebodynow. ThenOops! was a little bit bigger, so by the time I did the Dream Within a Dream Tour, it was all magic.
I’d turned down three or four movies, because I was in my moment with the stage show. I didn’t want to be distracted from music. I was happy doing what I was doing.
But I look back now and I think, when it came to Chicago, I should’ve done it.
In my personal life, I was so happy. Justin and I lived together in Orlando. We shared a gorgeous, airy two-story house with a tile roof and a swimming pool out back. Even though we were both working a lot, we’d make time to be home together as often as we could. I always came back every few months so Justin and I could be together for two weeks, sometimes even two months, at a time. That was our home base.
That was a good time in my life. I was so in love with Justin, just smitten. I don’t know if when you’re younger love’s a different thing, but what Justin and I had was special. He wouldn’t even have to say anything or do anything for me to feel close to him.
That’s what I did when Justin and I attended the 2001 American Music Awards, which I cohosted with LL Cool J. I still can’t believe that Justin was going to wear denim and I said, "We should match! Let’s do denim-on-denim!"
At first, honestly, I thought it was a joke. I didn’t think my stylist was actually going to do it, and I never thought Justin was going to do it with me. But they both went all in.
AMA에 청청 패션으로 커플룩…
I get that it was tacky, but it was also pretty great in its way, and I am always happy to see it parodied as a Halloween costume. I’ve heard Justin get flak for the look. On one podcast where they were teasing him about it, he said, "You do a lot of things when you’re young and in love." And that’s exactly right. We were giddy, and those outfits reflected that.
There were a couple of times during our relationship when I knew Justin had cheated on me. Especially because I was so infatuated and so in love, I let it go, even though the tabloids seemed determined to rub my face in it. When NSYNC went to London in 2000, photographers caught him with one of the girls from All Saints in a car. But I never said anything. At the time we’d only been together for a year.
Another time,
사귄지 한달밖에 안됐는데 바람을 피냐?
My friend was shocked and believed Justin was only saying it because he was high and felt like bragging.
I let it all go, but clearly, he’d slept around. It was one of those things where you know but you just don’t say anything.
So I did, too. Not a lot—one time, with Wade Robson.
맞바람… but 한 번;;
I kept crying and sobbing until it was all over. It took hours, and I don’t remember how it ended, but I do, twenty years later, remember the pain of it, and the fear.
After that, I was messed up for a while, especially because I still did love Justin so much. It was insane how much I loved him, and for me it was unfortunate.
I should have seen the breakup coming, but I didn’t.
13
When Justin began making his first solo album,Justified, he started being very standoffish with me. I think that was because he’d decided to use me as ammunition for his record, and so it made it awkward for him to be around me staring at him with all that affection and devotion. Ultimately, he ended our relationship by text message while I was on the set for the video for the "Overprotected" remix by Darkchild. After seeing the message as I sat in my trailer between takes, I had to go back out and dance.
For as much as Justin hurt me, there was a huge foundation of love, and when he left me I was devastated.
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