I have often felt contempt for the shallow culture that equates hormonally driven, intense but fleeting sexual passion with ‘love’. Love cannot be such a trivial or profane thing. I learned that love is: patient, and kind; It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud; It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs; Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love embodies a more sublime behavior and thought. The banality of the frequently articulated notion of ‘love‘ everywhere, without any contemplation, has led me to feel deep sorrow from alienation; Nobody seems serious about defining love. Come to think of it, my strong faith and strict thought in the definition of love stemmed from my Christian cultural background and the inspiration I have obtained from Erich Fromm’s work *The Art of Loving*, which I read in my teens.
I have read this book twice. The first time was in Korean translation as a teenager and churchgoer, without any experience in relationships, yearning to be loved by someone due to the lack of affection during my childhood growing up in a strict family. The second reading was in English, as a feminist, beloved wife, mother, physician, and a Christian who believes in evolution yet has no faith in the eternal life afterlife; who still wants to live a religious life. These two readings were entirely different experiences. As Fromm pointed out, I longed to be loved but was not ready to love others. However, as a grown-up, after grappling with so many hardships like everyone else, I have learned how to derive the essential gratification from loving others, not just reserving it for my family. I am not saying that I have just become a nice person like a philanthropic saint who is always ready to turn the other cheek, as Jesus taught us. I have simply started to embrace love more consistently.
Fromm suggests that we, like ‘automatons‘ or ‘cogs‘ in modern capitalism, are easily influenced, anticipated, and standardized, leading us to materialize love into instinctual desire, as presented in Freud‘s idea, similar to our needs for other commodities we exchange in markets.
To overcome our narcissism and retrieve the nature of true love, we are encouraged to transcend our love from the mother-centered or father-centered level into more divine love. Note that the notion of God cannot be fully grasped from the traditional Aristotelian logic, aka dogmatic and scientific standpoint in Western culture; rather, we can understand God more profoundly through paradoxical logic, like dialectics from Hegel or the teachings of Lao-tse in Chinese philosophy. This perspective allows us to see others with greater tolerance and helps us recover self-love.
I do not know how long I will live, but I believe it would be helpful to read Fromm‘s *The Art of Loving* and Hooks‘s *All About Love˝ repeatedly periodically—perhaps every five years—so I can continue to live my life in love with my family and neighbors altogether.
finished reading on Aug 23, 2025

