Introduction
Throughout the course, "The Person and Role of The Minister," I could think again myself, especially focused upon my call, authority, office, and gifts. It was both exciting and painful experience. It was exciting in that I could feel I was being integrated by class journeys. It was painful in that I had to remind bad memories that I wanted to bury in the river of forgetting. Under sorrowful memories my-self was broken and scattered into pieces. I needed wholesome integration of my-self, even though I did not know that necessity. I could recover the real self buried behind my stories. It seems that maturation goes together with pain.
Other difficulty during this January session of DMin program was time management. Some opponents in my congregation were still preparing claws behind their smile and re-attack over against me. In weekends I had to return to Lubbock, deliver a sermon on Sundays, give a sermon to one of my church members so that he could lead Wednesday praise worship on my behalf.
I and My Family
Throughout this January session I felt deepest sorry for my family. I couldn't spend time with my wife and two boys. I really love them. In actuality I was, however, a bad husband and father.
I came to the United States in order to seek Ph. D. degree. I studied so hard in order to get the highest score in the classes that I took. I was so nervous and even neurotic to my family. I yelled many times. My life was extremely selfish. When I applied to the Ph. D. program of Perkins, I was rejected because my GRE and TOEFL scores were not sent to the office of Ph. D. program. It was later on that I found that I mistakenly wrote my credit card number on the score request sheets.
After having been rejected, I saw around and found what I have done. I was ruining my family. I, wife, two active sons were living in a very small one bedroom apartment of Hawk Hall. Two sons had been scolded because they prevented me from concentrating on study. They were like imprisoned birds to yearn freedom. I used to charge my wife of not disciplining two boys. I was so cruel to my family. For this reason I decided to stop my academic career and to work in a local church.
My first visit to Lubbock was so impressive. The city was so quiet. Especially the church parsonage was so cool. It was a house having three bedroom, a large kitchen, dining room, living room, garage, backyard with fence. I'd never lived in that kind of house. I thought that this might be a new beginning of my family happiness.
Two weeks after the visit, I was offered to work for Lubbock Korean UMC. I was hesitating in my mind because of desire for academic achievement. But I decided to go there, after taking into consideration family value.
September 1996, my family moved from Dallas to Lubbock. A half of the congregation scattered because the former pastor was so cruel to them. They expected me to pastor generously. I was their exact type.
In spite of my expectation for happy family I failed in making happiness. During 1996 fall I had two jobs, ministry and study, because I spent my final semester of MDiv program. I commuted by air flight. I had no time at all with to spend with my family. In addition, right after finishing my final semester, Mrs. Paik began to attack me. From that on I brought ministry problems into my family. I yelled and was so cruel to my wife and two sons. I so hated myself. But I couldn't find out how to resolve this circumstances.
When I received brochures concerning the first two classes of DMin program in Perkins, my eyes were twinkling at the course tile, "The Person And Role Of The Minister," since at that time I was deeply doubting my personality and role as pastor. I wanted to be checked about my personality through that course and to be reshaped into better person.
Even if there was no discussion of family issues in that course, I became to retrospect what I have done to my family. In the second and third week I purchased some gifts for my wife and two sons. After finishing the course, I have spent much time with my family. We went to cinema once, to CiCi's pizza house which enables my sons to play computer games. My wife, Jin, asks, "Are you sick? What had your teachers taught you?" "They taught nothing about family business. But they helped me to retrospect what I have done to my family," said I. I do not yell and try to be a good friend of Jin and two sons.
The old oriental proverb says, "A ruler must first rule his own family." Another oriental proverb says, "If you want to be great, first be happy in your family." Jesus said, "If you want to be great, serve your neighbor." I was a tyrant in my family as most Korean fathers were. Right now I am moving toward being a good friend with my family. I persuade, rather than yell or scold, my sons not to do bad things. Everyday I help my wife by washing dishes that was one of my disfavors, by picking up my sons from their schools in the afternoon. I am growing up as a husband and father since through the first session of DMin program I could see who I was.
I and Mrs. Paik
The greatest dilemma in my recent ministry is my relationship with Mrs. Paik. Many times I was so serious about it. That seriousness made me too empathetic, unable to keep emotional distance and to take a coaching role in my ministry. For this reason the congregation was getting more dysfunctional. The situation was getting worse. The triangle was interlocking. If I have some distance from that issue and keep could have coached my congregation to take a role of the third. But I didn't know how to do. So I had direct conversation with Mrs. Paik three times. But those made worse our relationship. At that time I felt my authority was threatened by her, so that I couldn't endure any more, since I had the combined style of consensus-charismatic leadership. Under normal situations I exercised consensus style of leadership, while, when times went worse, I exercised charismatic style. I was confused and my congregation too.
I as a coach must have cooled down and seen what's going on. Such self-differentiated stance could have enabled me to coach my congregation to do something for the whole. It probably took time because Mrs. Paik and the congregation had close tie. Mrs. Paik was clearly a serious problem to me. But I should have ignored it because that issue was really a small portion of my ministry. Mrs. Paik was a victimizer in that she really hurt me and a victim in that I was not a proficient coach. Through Mrs. Paik's case I became to reconsider my leadership. My reconsidered leadership remarks, "The harder I suppress a ball into water, the higher the ball comes forth on the surface. Direct defenses against attack provokes strong reactions. Let them play. Coach them to play better."
Before this DMin program I just thought my job is to preach and to teach the Bible. After the program I began to reconsider what my job is. My role is not simply to give some information of Christian faith but to coach my people to live christianly.
I and My Father
Most shocking and affecting in the course, "The Person And Role Of The Minister," was Robert Bly's "Gathering of Men." As Bly said, my father did not know how to talk with me and how to share his own grief. He was married three times, divorced once, separated by death once. He has lived rough life. He had no college education. When I was entered Methodist Theological Seminary, he was so glad and proud of me. He has tried to be successful in business but just manage to live. When I became a pastor, he said, "When I was young, I 've never been taught how to live. Now you are walking toward a meaningful life. I bless your future." Our talk was always one way, his saying and my listening. I and my father as Koreans did not know big bear hug, sharing grief feelings. We were men, strong men, so had to conceal our own grief and sympathy.
When he was divorced with my mother, I was deeply sorry. But I couldn't participate in his grief. After cremating the corpus of his second wife, he visited me at Hawk Hall. He just wanted to see his son, daughter-in-law, and two grandsons. He mentioned his desire toward me, "I heard a counselor helped ten thousand couple in marriage crisis to live well together. There are a lot of couples in marriage crisis among Korean immigrants. I am a failure. I married three times. Be a good counselor to help people in any kind of crisis retrieve their own happiness." I said, "Yes, I will." But I thought in my mind, "I understand you. But I will study Christian ethics in Ph.D. program. I have no concern in counseling."
Now I regret that I neither expressed my sorry feeling nor shared his grief. I feel I have enormous resources inherited from my father. I will send him letters sealed with gratitude and love. And I will inherit to my sons the precious treasures that I inherited from my father.
After seeing Bly's tape, I found my new role as a counselor. First of all, I want to participate in my father's grief. Second, I want to be a good coach to myself. And then I will be a good husband, father, pastor. Now I am moving from simple role of preaching-teaching toward more integrated role of preaching-teaching in coaching.
Morton says, "Journey is home." My home is my dad. He taught me skating, dancing, fishing, joking, liberal thoughts...so forth. I always needed him. But he was too busy to spend time with me. I find I was the same father to my sons. My father is home. He is the beginning and the end of my journey. I will live as a good son, father, husband, pastor, as he always wishes. I love you, dad.
Conclusion
Throughout this paper I have highlighted my integration of self and role. Whenever I was attacked by BMWs, I doubted my call. Now I am confident in my call to ministry. I feel I can do something better in my ministry. My previous understanding of authority was the combined style of consensus-charismatic leadership. Now I found the self-differentiated coach style of leadership. My previous understanding of role was just preaching and teaching the gospel. But now I understand my role as preaching and teaching in coaching. My previous understanding of gifts was just about preaching and teaching the Bible. Now I am considering counseling. I want to learn more about pastoral care. Now I feel I am being renewed and moving toward integration. Thank you, Ron.